roomd (roomd) wrote,

О брошенных и бросающих

Получил сегодня в библиотеке посоветованную Аллой книжку о восстановлении себя после развода. Естественно, в первую очередь пошёл читать главу №17 "Sexuality" :-) Авторы это предвидели и в начале главы написали, что многие обращаются к этой главе в первую очередь, поэтому идите-ка вы читать хотя бы первую главу, а там уж возвращайтесь. Не послушался, прочитал главу до конца, скучновато, рассчитано на людей с какими-то комплексами по части секса, от которых их, этих людей, надо высвободить. Никакой конкретики по методике пикапа нет :-)

Потом прочитал первую главу, в ней перечислены 19 кирпичиков, которые надо вложить в здание возрождения себя. Нечасто читаю self-help книги, но почерк знакомый. Заинтересовался кирпичиком про брошенных и бросающих, тут кое-какие полезные крупицы имеются, может даже и не только мне пригодится, заинтересованным сторонам советую почитать и хорошо подумать (книгу в целом желающим тоже могу дать почитать, пока в библиотеку не вернул):

Language is an important clue to whether you are a dumper (бросивший) or dumpee (брошенный).
It is often possible to identify someone as a dumper or dumpee just by
the question he or she asks. Questioners are surprised to be recognized
("Are you a mind reader?"), until we point out that there are dumper
and dumpee vocabularies.

Dumper vocabulary goes like this: ''I need some time and space to get
my head on straight. I need to be out of this relationship in order to get
this time and space. I care for you, but don't love you enough to live
with you. Don't ask me why I don't love you — I just know that I need
out. I feel bad for hurting you, but there is nothing I can do about that
because staying with you would also hurt you. Can we be friends?"

Dumpee vocabulary goes like this: "Please don't leave me! Why don't
you love me? Tell me what is wrong with me and I will change. There
must be something wrong with me, and I don't know what it is. Please
tell me what I did wrong. I thought we had a good love relationship and
I don't see why you want to leave. Please give me some more time
before yon leave. I want to be friends but I love you. Please don't leave

The dumper may reply: "I have been trying for a long time to tell you
that I was unhappy in the relationship and that we needed to change.
You just wouldn't listen. I have tried everything. I don't have any more
time. You keep hanging onto me and I just want to be friends."

Dumpees at this point are likely to be hurt and to cry. They become
introspective and try to understand what went wrong: "Why am I
unlovable?" and "Why did our relationship have to end?" Often there is
denial of feelings while the dumpee gains time to recover from the
shock. The emotional pain is great for the dumpee.

The vocabulary seems universal; almost all dumpers and dumpees
use the same words. The problem of timing is evident. The dumper
claims to have been trying for "months and years" to do something
about the problem, during much of that time thinking about leaving.
The dumpee has not heard this dissatisfaction, perhaps because he or
she had been "in denial" long before the dumper actually left. But when
the dumper makes the announcement, the dumpee really starts denying
and refusing to believe there is anything wrong. "We had such a good

Notice the difference in priorities. The dumper wants to work on
personal growth: "I have to get my head on straight." The dumpee
wants to work on the relationship: "I need more time and feedback
about what 1 need to change." Listen carefully to the words the dumpee
is saying to reflect the hurt. Can you hear the anger beneath the words?
But the dumpee does not express these words because the divorce is still
in its honeymoon period.

During this period, the dumper is feeling much guilt, acting super-
nice, willing to give the dumpee anything. The dumpee is feeling
rejected, anxious for the dumper to come back, and afraid to express
anger for fear it will drive the dumper even further away. The dumpee
is acting super-nice also. Eventually anger replaces the feelings of guilt
in the dumper and the feelings of rejection in the dumpee. Then the
"divorce honeymoon" ends. This phase often begins around three
months after the separation, but the timing may vary a great deal. "Good
court settlements" are often negotiated while dumpers feel so guilty
they will give up everything, and while dumpees will settle for anything
in hopes of getting the dumper back. Dumpers: "I want out so badly
that I don't care about property or money. Dumpees: "I won't ask for
anything because all I want is for her (him) to come back."

There is a strategy to change the honeymoon period in case you are
interested. Both parties feel better and can speed up the adjustment
process when the dumpee can express anger quickly. Dumpers feel less
guilty when dumpees express anger because the anger helps them deal
with guilt. And dumpees feel less depression by expressing anger
quicker because some depression is the result of unexpressed anger. But
it is not always possible to shortcut the process because the dumper may
have a need to feel guilty for a while, and the dumpee may have a need
to feel rejected and depressed for a while. Working through feelings
takes time.

At the risk of confusing this discussion further, we want to introduce a
further breakdown in the dumper-dumpee categories. The words are
strong and somewhat judgmental, but they are helpful in understanding
better the dumper-dumpee concept. There are good-dumpers and bad-
dumpers, and good-dumpees and bad-dumpees.

The good-dumper is a person who has tried to work on the love
relationship in order to make it last. A good-dumper was willing to
make changes, invest emotionally in trying to change, and go for
marriage counseling if appropriate. But finally the dumper realized that
the relationship was destructive to both people, and that it is better to
end an unhealthy relationship than to continue to destroy each other.
This person has the courage and strength to end the relationship, and it
often takes a great deal of courage and strength.

Bad-dumpers are very similar to runaway kids. They believe the grass
is greener on the other side of the fence, and all that is needed for
happiness is to get out of the relationship. There is often another love
relationship waiting in the wings. The bad-dumper avoids dealing with
feelings and avoids looking inside at attitudes that might need to be
changed. Bad-dumpers often leave quickly without even a "goodbye"
conversation or explanation of their intent to end the partnership.

Good-dumpees are open, honest, willing to work on the relationship,
and willing to go for counseling if appropriate. They seldom have had
an affair, and have likely worked hard on communicating. They are not
"innocent victims" in the sense that they too have done things to hurt
the relationship. They are basically at the wrong time and place when
the internal explosion and the need to be out of the relationship take
place in the dumper.

Bad-dumpees are people who want out of the relationship but do not
have the courage and strength to be a dumper. They make it miserable
for the other person who then is forced into being the dumper.

There are few who fit perfectly into these four categories. Most of us
are a combination of both good and bad dumpers or dumpees.
Tags: books, change
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